The Twelve Stages of Retirement, And How To Navigate Them.
By Karen and Erica
Retirement happens in one day. You start that day as a member of the working world, and you end it as a former member of the working world.
We were pretty unnerved. But now we are excited to be where we are. Here are the steps we had to go through to come out on the other side. We did not enjoy all of them. But we think none of them can be skipped. You have lost a hugely important part of your life. And you need to work through that loss.
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The first step happens before you retire. You see retirement in the future and you form a view about it. There are really two perspectives, Some lucky ones among us thrill at the prospect. They have been excited about retiring since the day they started work. They have created a deeply fulfilling plan. They can’t wait. But most of us have a different perspective. We are horrified. We don’t plan because we don’t want to think about it. We pity those who have retired. We go to their parties and say how lucky they are when all we can think is how awful it is. We can’t bear the idea that we will one day be in the same boat.
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Then the day comes, and you have to get through it. And you do. People congratulate you, and toast you, and then it is done. You don’t feel a bit lucky but you do feel as if you have weathered the storm.
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The next phase is fun—more fun, of course, without a pandemic. You can sleep in, and stay up late doing something other than work. You can go out to lunch. You can make dinner and theater dates, and keep them. You can sit around on Sunday and read the paper. You can go shopping whenever you want. The world is yours, and you have all the time you want to explore it.
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After a few months of this, though, you realize you feel some sadness. Surprisingly, you miss work. Not every bit of it, but the parts you loved. You miss your colleagues, and it is a struggle to keep up with them. They are working. You also miss the structure of a job. You always wanted free time but this is a little too much free time.
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And some uncomfortable moments happen. Someone asks what you do, and you have to say: I was a successful lawyer and now I am not. That does not feel right. What is your identity, now? You were once a player. Can you be a player again? You’re not sure.
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Your family is not sure either. They don’t want to be responsible for entertaining you, and they are worried you will seize upon them for companionship every waking moment of the day. Your friends are worried too. They know you are a hard charger, but they cannot see how that works after you retire. You make them nervous and they make you nervous.
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You’re smart, so you sit down and figure it out. You will get a new job. Something different, not quite so time consuming, maybe something in the non-profit world, where your skills and talents would be useful. You start looking around. And you discover that no-one wants to give you a job. In fact, no-one seems able to discern what you have to offer. And they sure can’t figure out how to slot you into their organization.
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Now, you get depressed. Are you really useless? Did you get useless overnight? Are you never again going to be able to say, when asked, I am a successful [something exciting]?
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This is a dangerous time, and you need to be careful. If you panic, you might agree to do almost anything. Your family wants chores done, and you feel you have to say yes. Your excellent non-profit wants you to do something that bores you to tears, and you feel you have to say yes. You are offered a job that could be done by someone with a tenth of your experience, and you feel you have to say yes. Do not say yes! Say no! Do nothing until you find something fulfilling.
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Start to envision a future. Think hard about what you liked about your work or your hobbies, or what you have always wanted to do but never had the time. Do you love sports? Maybe you want to coach a little league team. Are you technology minded? Maybe you want to learn more about how AI works. Have you got a great idea for a small business? Start one. Is there a book in you? Outline it. Talk to people. Tell them what your idea is, and ask for their reaction. Everyone, we promise, will have something to offer, including contacts. And they will be glad to help. People will be much happier meeting you for lunch if they see you are formulating a plan.
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Take one concrete step at a time. Get business cards. Get an office. Find a partner. Take courses if you need to. Try to see what your future might really look like. Start to move toward it. Worried you might fail? So what? You know by now that you can survive failure. And you also know you have something only someone who has retired can possibly have—experience and wisdom. That’s your springboard to the future.
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Soon, you will have a plan. Once you do, you are on your way. You will see that your retirement is the beginning of something brilliant. You will stand tall when you tell people what you are doing now. And you will have more fun than you can imagine.
Liked this article! It was very close to what I have and "am" going through. After a year in retirement my brain was going to mush, so I decide to take a "zoom" Italian language class. Since I am an "old dog" and this is a "new trick" I need to study just about everyday. So I have daily structure/deadline which I was missing. This class also made me realized how much I loved to learn. I am on my way! Thanks!
Hi. I so relate to this article. Thank you for your HONEST, positive and helpful view. I get tired of reading how it’s all simply wonderful. Sure, I’m very grateful for the opportunity to retire and that’s wonderful, but it’s also some work to rebuild a life that took years to get straight! And the emotions that cropped up when I retired hit me by surprise. I’m in my third year of retirement now, and, fortunately, more successful at finding actions that are building a satisfying life. For me, there were also a lot of misses but that’s just part of this process. I also so relate to your first steps as well — planning for retirement life was just in the abstract for me too. I’d figure it out, just do this and that, how hard can leisure time be. But I’m sure there was also some flat out avoidance there. Thanks for your efforts to bring retirement life out of the closet and into the mainstream.
Hi. I so relate to this article. Thank you for your HONEST, positive and helpful view. I get tired of reading how it’s all simply wonderful. Sure, I’m very grateful for the opportunity to retire and that’s wonderful, but it’s also some work to rebuild a life that took years to get straight! And the emotions that cropped up when I retired hit me by surprise. I’m in my third year of retirement now, and, fortunately, more successful at finding actions that are building a satisfying life. For me, there were also a lot of misses but that’s just part of this process. I also so relate to your first steps as well — planning for retirement life was just in the abstract for me too. I’d figure it out, just do this and that, how hard can leisure time be. But I’m sure there was also some flat out avoidance there. Thanks for your efforts to bring retirement life out of the closet and into the mainstream.
Thanks for the great comments!
Thanks for the great comments!
So important to say these things. Thank you for such a clear and evocative description. Really dread the "I used to be…" scenario
So important to say these things. Thank you for such a clear and evocative description. Really dread the "I used to be…" scenario
Thanks Karen and Erica. I’ve been "semi" retired for 4 years and still finding my way. I try no to be worried about the "used to be" tag. This Covid year has found me going back to my great love of study. And now so much online. Very eclectic, from meditation and mindfulness through to economics. I sometimes think that we have to understand that retirement is like a death and there are many stages of grief. But one of the most important things is not to rush into anything new. Allow yourself to find your way.
Thanks Karen and Erica. I’ve been "semi" retired for 4 years and still finding my way. I try no to be worried about the "used to be" tag. This Covid year has found me going back to my great love of study. And now so much online. Very eclectic, from meditation and mindfulness through to economics. I sometimes think that we have to understand that retirement is like a death and there are many stages of grief. But one of the most important things is not to rush into anything new. Allow yourself to find your way.
Thanks for a great article! I have been a "semi retired CPA" for 7 years. Now that I have the time and money to travel the world, co vid hits. It has been an adjustment. But I have much to be thankful for. I am looking forward to hearing more from this group and maybe connecting in person. I am in the greater Phoenix area if you want to get out of the snowy east coast!
Yikes – I do not relate to this article. We had a 10 year plan when we bought our retirement house and worked our butts off as leaders in the aerospace industry, helping two sons navigate the early adult years and we talked through what we wanted. We also had some great family examples of how to do retirement right., and a couple of examples of what not to do. While 1/2 of our retirement has been under the Covid umbrella we have found lots of ways to keep active and socially connected. What I have found all around are people who love to be connected, and yes people who are afraid of “life after the alarm clock” and I love what the premise is – so let’s truly be a band of leaders who show the next wave how to get the most out of these new days!!
Yikes – I do not relate to this article. We had a 10 year plan when we bought our retirement house and worked our butts off as leaders in the aerospace industry, helping two sons navigate the early adult years and we talked through what we wanted. We also had some great family examples of how to do retirement right., and a couple of examples of what not to do. While 1/2 of our retirement has been under the Covid umbrella we have found lots of ways to keep active and socially connected. What I have found all around are people who love to be connected, and yes people who are afraid of “life after the alarm clock” and I love what the premise is – so let’s truly be a band of leaders who show the next wave how to get the most out of these new days!!
So happy to hear the stories—including the ones way ahead of us!
Thanks for this piece. I’m a retired educator, and find myself somewhere between steps 8 and 10, which are eerily accurate for me. Retiring in a pandemic and relocating to another state to be near family have been very strange experiences. I’m glad to have found this site.
As others have said this article really hit home as did the one before about how do you introduce yourself when someone ask what do you do. I have since written my elevator speech.
My family thinks I am crazy because I couldn’t understand why people congratulated me on retirement. My husband says accept it and be happy that you have lived long enough to retire and have the money to do so.
I don’t think anyone not going through it can truly understand what a big shift retirement is – not just in your work life but in every area of your life. My experience has been similar to yours – I feel lucky on one hand, and lost on the other.