Recognize The Twelve Stages Of Retirement.
By Karen and Erica
One day, you start out as a member of the working world, and end up as a former member of the working world. That’s how retirement works. It is pretty unnerving. If you anticipate it (as we did not), and consider what is ahead, you will not be fazed. In any event, keep on going and in the end you will have a smile on your face.
Here are the steps we had to go through to come out on the other side. We did not enjoy all of them. But we think none of them can be skipped. You have lost a hugely important part of your life. And you need to work through that loss.
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The first step happens before you retire. You see retirement in the future. Some lucky ones among us thrill at the prospect. They have been excited about retiring since the day they started work. They have created a deeply fulfilling plan. They can’t wait. But most of us have a different perspective. We are horrified. We don’t plan because we don’t want to think about it. We pity those who have retired. We go to their parties and say how lucky they are when all we can think is how awful it is. We can’t bear the idea that we will one day be in the same boat.
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Then the day comes, and you have to get through it. And you do. People congratulate you, and toast you, and then it is done. You don’t feel a bit lucky but you do feel as if you have weathered the storm.
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The next phase is fun—more fun, of course, without a pandemic. You can stay up late on a school night doing something you would not have done on a school night while you worked, and sleep in. You can go out to lunch. You can make dinner and theater dates, and keep them. You can sit around on Sunday and read the paper. You can go shopping whenever you want. The world is yours, and you have all the time you want to explore it.
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After a few months of this, though, you realize you feel some sadness. Surprisingly, you miss work. Not every bit of it, but the parts you loved. You miss your colleagues, and it is a struggle to keep up with those still working. You also miss the structure of a job. You always wanted free time but this is a little too much free time.
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And some uncomfortable moments happen. Someone asks what you do, and you have to say: I was a successful lawyer and now I am retired. That does not feel right. What is your identity, now? You were once a player. Can you be a player again? You’re not sure.
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Your family is not sure either. They don’t want to be responsible for entertaining you, and they are worried you will seize upon them for companionship every waking moment of the day. Your friends are worried too. They know you are a hard charger, but they cannot see how that works after you retire. You make them nervous and they make you nervous.
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You’re smart, so you sit down to figure it out. You will get a new job. Something different, not quite so time consuming, maybe something in the non-profit world, where your skills and talents would be useful. You start looking around. And you discover that no-one wants to give you a job. In fact, no-one seems able to discern what you have to offer. And they sure can’t figure out how to slot you into their organization.
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Now, you get depressed. Are you really useless? Did you get useless overnight? Are you never again going to be able to say, when asked, I am a successful [something exciting]?
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This is a dangerous time, and you need to be careful. If you panic, you might agree to do almost anything. Your family wants chores done, and you feel you have to say yes. Your excellent non-profit wants you to do something that bores you to tears, and you feel you have to say yes. You are offered a job that could be done by someone with a tenth of your experience, and you feel you have to say yes. Do not say yes! Say no! Do nothing until you find something fulfilling.
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Start to envision a future. Think hard about what you liked about your work or your hobbies, or what you have always wanted to do but never had the time. Do you love sports? Maybe you want to coach a little league team. Are you technology minded? Maybe you want to learn more about how AI works. Have you got a great idea for a small business? Start one. Is there a book in you? Outline it. Talk to people. Tell them what your idea is, and ask for their reaction. Everyone, we promise, will have something to offer, including contacts. And they will be glad to help. People will be much happier meeting you for lunch if they see you are formulating a plan.
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Take one concrete step at a time. Get business cards. Get an office. Find a partner. Take courses if you need to. Try to see what your future might really look like. Start to move toward it. Worried you might fail? So what? You know by now that you can survive failure. And you also have something only someone who has retired can possibly have—experience and wisdom. That’s your springboard to the future.
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Soon, you will have a plan. Once you do, you are on your way. You will see that your retirement is the beginning of something brilliant. You will stand tall when you tell people what you are doing now. And you will enjoy your life more than you can imagine.
I enjoy the nothing part as well!! I don’t feel as though there needs to be a second career to be worthy-I’ve ‘paid my dues’ and don’t need to prove a thing to anyone…
This is such a touching piece! Thank you for your honest, openness and vulnerability.
Phase ten is my favorite although I still have days where I enjoy doing “nothing”
I recently started consulting and contracting work as a way to ease into retirement. I see, now, that this part-time venture is my future. I have the ability to set my own schedule, travel at will, and work with people that I appreciate and admire. I have the time to pursue personal interests that bring me joy while still keeping my mind engaged and my days filled. I thought this would be a short-term solution but instead have found my ‘next big thing’.
Very timely article. As a recent "retiree" ( I still struggle saying that word) for about 3 months, I feel like I may be drifting towards # 9. It was helpful to see that feeling identified in writing. I appreciate the time you all put into writing these articles.
This post was a little disturbing, frankly. This is the writers’ experiences of retirement. And they do acknowledge that in the 2nd paragraph. But the bullets, which are what people scan when they read online, sounds to me as if "you all" will have these experiences. Or most people will. Can the writers be brutally honest instead and say, from a first-person point of view… 1. The first step happened before I retired… all the way to 12. By then I had a plan. That would be powerful. The feeling I got from this piece is that the writers are still embarrassed not to be a "hard-charging, player of the game."
If it had all been written from first-person as "These were my 12 steps" I would have resonated better with the steps that applied to me. Now, I’m just put-off by the presumption that they all apply to me. WTF? I don’t think so. My old 24/7 job, PR, stopped defining me. I loved it for a while, then it became the "who can spin the best BS" hard-charging player mentality winner mind-set reflected as "someting lost" in the article. Now I’m having to watch online as unethical, unregulated PR hard-charging winner mentality spin throws out culture into chaos. Freaking thrilled I’m out.
Thank you for the platform, btw, hope I wasn’t too harsh. In my opinion, Lustre has a place in our online conversation about the change in who we are untethered from other’s perceptions based on our way of making a living. And how that is an amazing thing, not something to be "gotten through" or "gotten over."
Love this and it’s dead on! It takes time to transition and learn the way to the new you. I’ve gone through these exact stages without any outside help. I’m at about stage 10.5 right now and feeling great about my life. My only fear is that I stay healthy enough to enjoy the new me.
Lustre is a wonderful resource. Keep up the great work, ladies!
Retirement and widowhood all at once! But I have also been an artist all along and am concentrating on it. Painting and online sales are a real job but one I want to be doing.However, I almost joined a board knowing I’d be good for them but deciding it wouldn’t be good for me. And it’s my turn now.
Wow! Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories and your views. And Lisa, sorry you were disturbed. We have found that most people feel as if they go through the same steps. And, we agree, being retired is an amazing thing—just took us a while to get there.
I agree with Lisa who found your piece “disturbing.” I disagree with retirement being uncomfortable, dangerous OR depressing. I’ve experienced NONE of those! For me, after a long career in PR, these years have been precious and incredibly FREEING! I’ve been able to finally focus on myself and “self care!” I’ve taken classes, done some writing, explored fashion trends and started a tea and wine distribution company! I’m finally the “entrepreneur” I’ve longed to be and my OWN boss, making my OWN hours. NO longer am I a “wage slave” to someone else. I’m also saddened to see the once ethical career of PR now devolving into unethical, unregulated deceptive practices that ARE throwing our culture into chaos!
Thank you!
Denisemarie
Happy to hear, Denisemarie!
I begin thinking about retirement 2 years ago at age 68. I soon realized I wasn’t ready mentally prepared for this and set a goal to work 5 more years. I began thinking about what retirement would, could, look like. I have started to think about what I want to accomplish and the importance of PEOPLE TIME. Many of the topics you address resonate with me. You are confirming that I am approaching “ready”. My new goal is to set a date for sometime the first quarter of 2023. Thanks for a great blog!
I retired in early 2021 from my executive role at a financial institution – and have loved every minute of it…so freeing! These 12 steps have not applied to me in the least and I certainly don’t feel compelled to look for work. I appreciate your experience but want to encourage other readers that these steps may not apply based on my experience and others who commented below! Thanks for all your perspectives and understanding that all of us approach life differently with different priorities and views!
We are thrilled so many of you found the transition to be so easy! Thanks for letting everyone know!
I just read this piece and so appreciate it. Perhaps I’m a minority, but retirement has been one of the most difficult transitions of my life, even though a choice and filled with enthusiasm for new opportunities. Thank you for showing another side that some of us also experience and making the way through.
Great article and felt many of these emotions described in the article. I retired at Age 70 last year from teaching 3rd grade for 24 years. I taught school right out of college , then quit to raise a family . I went back at age 47 and loved it. I am a people person so I joined 4 different groups where each group meets once a month , spend time with my grandchildren, and I substitute teach in my building where I taught once a week and help with meals on wheels at my church once a week. I felt both sadness and relief to be not working full time. I felt guilty for being anxious and depressed over retiring . It still is a bit difficult at times to look and face the age I am . Thanks for all the encouraging words in describing the steps one sometimes feels after retirement.
I just found this awesome site…..love the wisdom and encouraging words….thank you!. I just retired – and I still have lots of gas in the tank – and I am finding I am going through these phases–especially since I am feeling a tad restless about not being productive enough (besides golfing, biking, pickleball, kayaking, paddle boarding, photography, etc…)….it is great advice just to hang out for a year or so and get your boots on the ground and figure things out. I also think that you are in a great spot if you have tons of family and a diverse group of friends to do things with. One day at a time…..