Identity. Did You Lose Yours When You Retired?
By Karen and Erica
We did. We were hard charging corporate lawyers one day, and the next we were—not. What were we after we retired? We had no idea. And a lot of people seemed unable to see us, instead seeing decrepit old women who had one foot out the door—of the planet. Their eyes glazed over, as if we were boring has-beens rather than the rather entertaining people we felt ourselves to be. We—as we actually exist—became invisible.
Of course, work was never our only identity. We were wives and mothers, and we had friends, and we did things other than work. (Not many things, admittedly.) But our professional identities were extremely important to us—more than we realized, perhaps. And when our careers ended, out professional identities became history.
That was a problem, for at least two reasons. First, we did not want to live in the past. Second, the reactions to our retirements were absurd. We had retired from careers we loved and had achieved a status many people said they desired. No more tiresome quotidian demands. We could do what we wanted, when we wanted to. What could be better? But we also began to understand that we had no experience of living in a post-career world. Who were we without a schedule? Who were we if no-one wanted anything from us? Who were we without an office? Who were we without a paycheck?
At first, we thought we were alone in feeling bewildered. No-one had told us to expect to lose ourselves, so we assumed no-one else experienced that loss. True, some people we met were not in the same state. One had made a plan that was working out, and another was really happy doing nothing, which was actually her plan from when she started working. But after we talked to a lot of other women in the same position, we were relieved—or, at least, we felt we had company—when we realized most of us were pretty much in the same boat. Wondering who we were now.
We picked ourselves up and decided to figure out what we needed to do to get an identity that fit. First, we did some research to try to figure out why others saw us as done. There was no image resembling us in the media. Instead, the images of older women were appalling—frail, vacant-eyed, dowdy, aimless. Those pictures obscured us. We had to challenge them, and put forth a new picture altogether.
We were not looking for entirely new identities, of course. We had spend decades building the ones we had. There was no reason to discard such hard earned personas. Rather, our work-based identities would be the foundation for who we would become. We are experienced and resourceful. We know how to solve problems. We know how to make mistakes. We also know how to recover from them. We can discern what is important and what is not. We have our own sense of style. And we have ideas about what we want to do. These abilities came from decades of work, and were critical parts of who we would continue to be.
We decided not to be just retired women. We had retired from our careers, so we were no longer regularly practicing lawyers, but we were becoming something new. Something still active, still connected to the world, but not dependent on what we had been before. What was that? In our case, over a considerable time we became bloggers, influencers, entrepreneurs. Had anyone suggested such a thing before we retired we would have laughed out loud. After we had inquired what bloggers and influencers were.
We no longer think of ourselves, or identify ourselves, as retired. Our careers formed the foundation for our new identities, for sure, but we have pivoted to completely new directions. We cherish the confidence that comes from having had those careers. When we first established our identities as working girls, in the 1970s, we had no such foundation. Now we see what a difference a few decades of work can make.
We are not finished with our search for identity, and there is no lack of challenge. We have not solved everything. But we are on our way. You will be too. Be patient, and remember you too have decades of valuable experience. Your new identity is being formed already. You’re going to love it.
Lustre: I like your peppy optimism. But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: influence and power don’t suddenly evaporate when closing the office door for the last time.
Problem is, most of us never had influence and/or power in our jobs/careers. We were not then, and are not now, movers and shakers. We were the (necessary) ingredients to a signature restaurant dish, not the star-power chef who puts it all together.
Maybe it’s been this way since forever, but our identity & self-worth are largely shaped by what we think others think of us and the extent to which I am worth someone’s valuable time.
Karen and Erica,
I enjoy reading your thoughts on retirement very much.
I am planning an early retirement later this year. As a woman who has always had a fast-paced, demanding position as a national sales executive, I wake up now wondering how mornings will be different next fall when I have no one requiring my attention from the moment I wake. How will I productively spend my time (productivity has been the basis of my life since 1980!)
While the prospect is exciting, I have to admit a sense of loss and sense of self is already setting in. Your comments are thought provoking. Thank you for validating and putting a voice to the topic.
I retired ten years ago, would have loved seeing this then! I did find a group eventually that helped. My husband is a professor and it was so difficult to be around his colleagues and being asked what do I do.. My best tip is to get a ‘business’ card made right away, with just your name and any info on it. That was a huge thing for me, no card to give out anymore.. no identity… I even did a fun one once with DDO behind my name.. director of domestic operations.. I started painting 6 years ago and have recently taken the next plunge and created a card with Mixed Media Artist on it.. whew!!!
I like this topic, even when I don’t entirely agree with the authors. It’s still comforting to have the subject raised and discussed so I know I’m not alone in my concerns. I’ve been surprised at how my circle of work-based friends dissolved after my retirement last year. I haven’t been successful at replacing them, which is troubling – will I never make another friend? I know I don’t want to be an "entrepeneur" or to work again on any schedule. I love the freedom of retirement, and can see it will be great – if I can just do better at being connected somehow to other people and activities other than working out. I’m single, so married women seem less interested or available for outings, and dating at age 72 doesn’t appeal as I thought it might. Up to age 30, I was completely footloose, just like now, and certainly didn’t think work the most important thing in the world, didn’t need advice columns on how to handle my life. I want to be that person again – busy, friendly, interested, active, relaxed. Hope to find her soon!
I’ve enjoyed your blogs, comments and podcasts. I am a recently retired from the banking industry after 48 years. Worked my way up for Teller to President. This is my third week of retirement and I can’t believe how long the days are. I feel like a fish out of water. I loved working and it often effortless. Between work and my family I lost myself and did not cultivate many friendships along the years. Now I find myself struggling to find me in my day to day. The days are long. It’s eye opening to know that the way I feel is not uncommon. I don’t quit and I’m a forever student of life so I welcome your articles, keep them coming.
I am so glad to have found this blog! I switched from a high powered career years ago, going back to teaching so I could be home with my son when he was home. Though it was a very hard shift (teachers don’t get even the tiniest fraction of the professional respect business women do), I was happily engaged, with a busy schedule each day – and I grew to love it again after years away. Fast forward to September this year and fully retired. I too felt lost and more than a little anxious, not managing my day-to-day very well. The hardest part was nothing to structure my time around and – after years of not developing any hobbies – realizing I had to to cast about for what I wanted to try to see if i could find a new passion. Enter classes at the (gasp, me – really??!!) senior center trying my hand at watercolor painting, Spanish class at the opposite end of the spectrum at the local community college, and Irish dancing at Parks and Rec. Add to that working out at the gym 3 days a week, yoga 2 days a week and there you have it – a schedule as busy time-wise as what I was used to. Now that it is in place, it runs pretty smoothly with lots of time between activities, and I feel like I have the opportunity to live through a time of figuratively ‘throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.’ I think through the career focused years we (at least I) forgot how to do things just for fun. Though I still feel unsteady at times, I am finding it possible to get used to freedom to explore. Good luck to us all in this new phase!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am recently retired (three months) and already I find myself questioning my decision. Yet, I do not want to work as a lawyer until I draw my last breath! I love having time to assist my two grown children, but I need more. Looking forward to following you.
Margaret
So much yes!! I’m so to to have found you.
I took an early retirement at age 52 from a toxic environment after an exciting 30 year career in Public Relations. What I thought would be a sabbatical turned into almost two years of pandemic and feeling kinda lost and adrift. I’m still here trying to decide what I want to do next. Perhaps back to school for a PhD or MFT for an encore career? Or just embrace my pension and sleep late every morning. I’m kinda stuck. Thank you for what you are doing! You have my attention.
Thanks, everyone, for your very thoughtful comments.
Each of us approaches the dislocations of retirement differently, and we can each help others by talking about how we did it.
Make no mistake, together we are changing retirement for the better!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed this article today, it speaks to what I was feeling. It is good to know I am not alone in adjusting to this next phase of life.
I spent (a lot of) time re-defining myself. Actually it was about finding the authentic me. Not the culturally expected me. Not the family expected me. I came to realize that the identity I had while working was a lot about meeting expectations. I’ve explored personality profiling and it’s helped – Enneagram, Human Design, Archetype. Of course, that profiling requires honesty… but many of these profiling activities also helped me see how to become a stronger Authentic Me. Not worrying about external validation. Connected to others, but not being a chameleon for them to accept/like me. I continue to read, synthesize (write), and blog. I doubt I influence, but I hope I inspire (through my blog).
Truth! Great article describing the process of starting a new chapter. I have been retired 4 years. I feel like I have two separate chapters, my pre-COVID two years and my COVID two years. These past two have forced me to slow way down and search hard to find ways to feel validated without the constant amazing travel and socializing I jumped into my first two years. I feel like the combination of lifestyles has helped me find balance and as I emerge from the pandemic haze I am more content to be me!