Ten Things To Do When Your Husband Retires.
By Erica and Karen
We have written about what to do when you retire. Here’s what to do when your husband retires (and yes, we are talking specifically about husbands.) The basic point: he will need your help to establish his independence from the job. Just as you did, or will. The difference is—you almost surely have more experience pivoting, and being independent.
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Before he retires, start talking about how committed you are to your life—your friends, your job, your personal interests.
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Before he retires, plan a trip with a woman friend. Schedule it for six months after the big day.
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On the big day, celebrate his accomplishment. Just as is true for all of us, anyone who reaches retirement has achieved something amazing grand.
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Support him during the immediate post-retirement play time. Whatever he wants to do, encourage him to do it. And do some of it with him.
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See what happens next. Some gentlemen are perfectly happy puttering and golfing and hanging around with his buddies. If he is, yay!
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Some gentlemen start to feel antsy. Just like us, they miss the office, they miss their colleagues, and they have no idea what to do next. Help him think through his options. Boards? Learning to fly? Writing a book?
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Just like us, he will also likely feel a loss of identity—though maybe not a loss of basic personal worth. Talk with him about what it means to be between jobs, or maybe to have actually stopped working forever. Either way, he does need to come to terms with who he is now—for the first time without the structure of a job.
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Go clothes shopping with him. Explain that just because he does not need to wear formal office clothes every day, he can’t just wear sweats all the time. He will feel better about everything if he looks good—even if he looks different.
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Make sure he knows that his retirement does not mean you are now bound together 24/7. Many couples felt during COVID lockdown that they really had not bargained for quite that much intimacy. Take time for yourself, doing what you want to do.
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Go on that trip with your girlfriend. When you come back, all will be well!
What’s your advice?
Many thanks for this posting. All your comments are valid and on point. I retired in 2019 and my husband is retiring this month. I’ve noticed something like a gravitational pull to do everything together and am realizing that I need to carve out a space for my own schedule. During Covid he worked from home so we were together all the time so it set a pattern of togetherness. Now I insist on my need for a workout schedule and my volunteer work. I also find that alone time with girl friends and just myself is very necessary.
What if your spouse is self employed
( general contractor) and has been his “own boss” for 30 years? This is very different from those who have been going ‘to the office’ for years. All his social stuff has been connected to work and business. Not a golfer or a joiner of anything…..any ideas??
Retirement can be a "renaissance" with a blank canvas for the first time in 40+ years. I think both men and women need to replace "the meaning to life" that work brings, with other joys. It will be personal. For some it will be spending much more time with friends traveling, sporting, socializing. Or even your grandchildren. For others, part of the new "mosaic" will be giving back, by bringing their talents to not-for-profit and social-benefit endeavors, whether that is board service and/or philanthropy or direct service to those in need. Giving back also means continuing to mentor younger people-you have incredible wisdom to share-and you will learn a lot from them, too. Or becoming active in a university of your choice. There are a wealth of resources on topics like astrophysics, health sciences, the arts and other stimulating topics – retirement can actually be more intellectually challenging than work and broaden your world view and knowledge. And as this article suggests, this is a great time to take on a new stimulating project like learning something totally new. And early retirement is THE great time to travel with your spouse or others – you may not be able to do more adventurous travel 10-15 years from now. So, join the "renaissance" and find over time the new activities, people, organizations, that bring new insights, meaning and joy to your life!!
Sarah, my husband was a stamp dealer with his own business. It was hard for him to retire, since his home office was full of stamps. But he made it. Nowadays he keeps in touch by telephone with his old stamp dealer friends on a daily basis, mostly to gossip & swap stories about the stamp that got away. He also has found local stamp dealers to occasionally go out for a beer with. Maybe your husband has buddies from his working days who have also recently retired? I would say that keeping in touch with his old business associates is valuable.
Another thing I did was to get my husband to take up walking (a dog helps, even if it is your neighbor’s borrowed dog) – now he tries for his 10,000 steps/day and he has gotten interested in his health. We even plan weekend hikes. Hope this helps!
Thanks, everyone, for great comments.
Practical advice from my mother in law:
“I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch!” Or even breakfast. My husband & I made an agreement that we do our own thing for these two meals, unless it’s a special occasion. We create the grocery list together & we keep easy items on hand. I make dinner, but the rest is independent. Saves me lots of time & frustration!
“I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch!” Or even breakfast. My husband & I made an agreement that we do our own thing for these two meals, unless it’s a special occasion. We create the grocery list together & we keep easy items on hand. I make dinner, but the rest is independent. Saves me lots of time & frustration!
Because I am one, one to consider is hiring a coach to help you think through and process what you’d like the next chapter(s) of your life to look like. Having a thinking partner to help you reflect on questions like ‘What will I do now? What do I actually want? and Who am I without my job?’ can help shed some of that uncertainty, and even fear. The financial sector has done a very good job of getting most/many of us to focus on the money aspect of retirement – a necessary thing, but/and/also – what about everything else? Things like community, relationships, time, energy, curiosity, continued learning, health wellness, launching a business, etc., etc., The list and the possibilities are endless. Referencing an earlier article you posted previously, what about the expectations and assumptions about your time made by family or friends. There are many ways a coach can help folks think about retirement (aka rewirement) and beyond.
This is an interesting topic indeed. I retired unexpectedly before my husband and not too much before COVID changed everyone’s lives. It was a hard adjustment and I felt like it was a ‘double whammy’–but…thankful that I no longer had to travel and consult and be amongst the population at large. My husband, a physician, began to work from home the majority of the time, and so..we got into a ‘routine’ of sorts. The "joy of medicine" was gone for him as he attended bi-weekly meetings via Zoom about the approaching apocalypse–it never came to our neck of the woods, but the health care system has suffered tremendously. So..we g.r.a.d.u.a.l.l.y headed toward retirement for both of us—sans long term travel to faraway places, which we both had dreamed about for many years–we hope this will become a reality in time. He quickly punted to part-time work, which ‘worked’ for about 18 months and finally he ‘retired’…it is safe to say we both deserve a C+/B- in terms of truly retiring–both of us remain active professionally doing a bit of consulting, remain on professional committees, do some writing, and he continues to pursue research with colleagues–most of which is done without compensation. It is a PROCESS..and it takes some time—as for meals, like others, we do our own thing except for dinner (I, too, have quoted the "married you for better or worse, but not for lunch"!). We have embraced hiking, walking, pickleball, and even housework!! We used to outsource those daily household chores, but now…well, we work together on those. We often listen to audiobooks when not with friends–it’s ok to take a break from talking. Best part of retirement: NOT waking to an alarm. Be patient–in due time, you all will think: "How did I ever have time to work with all that I am doing?" I’d say the biggest takeaway from the past 2.5 years is developing ‘patience’–in terms of everything…especially retirement. Be thankful that you and your husband are out of the workforce given the state of the world.
SARAH: has your husband considered volunteering at a local hospital or a favorite museum? Is there a sports league (softball, soccer?) he could join? A ‘men’s club’ in your community that hosts breakfasts with guest speakers?
Retirement for the post-war generation will not resemble the retirement our parents had, if indeed our parents could afford winters in a warm climate.
Why do I get the uncomfortable feeling some of us will be looking to ‘fill’ the hours running from one activity to the next?
Renegotiate your roles. Things that worked prior to retirement can be upended with the new dynamic of a retired spouse. This can be an opportunity for growth, change, and discovering new approaches to doing things. For example, my husband took over the role of washing the dishes and I take out the trash. It used to be the reverse. And, encourage separate as well as shared interests. I have been playing tennis for years; my husband (in his 70s) recently started playing with a group of men just taking up the sport. Great exercise, a source of social support, and an opportunity to expand social circles.
Jan Cullinane, author, The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life, 3rd edition (Wiley, 2022).