We’re Not Invisible Anymore.
By Erica and Karen
Invisible.
Probably not a word you thought would ever apply to you. Nor did we. But then we reached a certain age, and retired. And suddenly, that’s what we were. Where just days before we had been very much players in the world, now we could not even be seen. And we are far from alone.
Many of us end up feeling this way. Indeed, last year the United Nations said, on its celebration of its International Day of Older Persons:
While older women continue to meaningfully contribute to their political, civil, economic, social and cultural lives; their contributions and experiences remain largely invisible and disregarded, limited by gendered disadvantages accumulated throughout the life course. The intersection between discrimination based on age and gender compounds new and existing inequalities, including negative stereotypes that combine ageism and sexism.
The 2022 theme of International Day of Older Persons (UNIDOP) serves as a hallmark and reminder of the significant role older women play
We like the formulation older persons. We embrace our age, and are proud of what we accomplished. We just don’t feel old, and we do not identify with the negative connotations of that word.
Several years ago we were amused when we saw a play by Penelope Skinner, in which Linda, a 55 year old marketing executive confronting the implications of getting older, described invisibility thusly:
“So I started off thinking about the research feedback which always comes in when we do age-related stuff from women in the over-fifties category about how when women get to fifty or somewhere around that age bracket they start to feel invisible. Over and over again in groups we hear the same thing. ‘I feel like life is happening all around me. I used to be the protagonist of my life and now suddenly I’m starting to feel irrelevant.’ This can be connected to women’s sexuality, so ‘Men walk past me in the street and don’t look twice anymore’ or ‘I go past a building and nobody whistles.’
“Even in the workplace. Women start to experience people talking over them. As though what they are saying is actually less important, because they have reached a certain age. They also find themselves under-represented in media–books, films, on television. And in advertising.
And yes, it is true once you are over fifty—and even earlier, as a certain network host has recently pointed out—you start to fade. While men become sought after gray-haired sages, women disappear, because they can no longer do the only thing some people think women are useful for–-bringing the next generation into the world. So they are seen as irrelevant—even if they are actually holding down complex jobs at the same time as they are raising children and keeping house, arguably doing more than a lot of men could possible manage. And as they disappear, so does the value of their contributions, as the U.S. State Department has pointed out:
A variety of negative stereotypes about older adults has rendered the contributions of older women invisible.
Of course there are those who blame women for dismissing other women, or who argue that women shouldn’t care about what men think, or that it is a relief not to have people ogle you or whistle at you. This perspective, for example:
Ultimately, of course, the question is: who do we want to be visible to? And here sits the elephant in the room – the difficulty of an honest debate about to what degree our sense of visibility is tied in to our feelings about the loss of youthful, sexual attractiveness.
We think these contentions miss the point.
We don’t think women are concerned that other women are not seeing them–even if that may be true of some younger women—or that they care whether men see them as sexy-–though they are. We think the issue is way deeper than that. When people, especially women, reach a certain age, false assumptions about their value and abilities block some from seeing them as they are. These misconceptions create barriers to opportunities, one the one hand, and to prevent others from making use of our wealth of knowledge and experience, on the other.
That is the invisibility we perceive, and that’s what the Linda character was talking about. Not about no longer being seen as sex objects—although older women are properly seen as sexy. But about being seen as continuing to be valuable players in the wider world.
Things are changing, for sure. Older women are gaining power in Hollywood. Our political power is being growing, too. And our financial power is increasing exponentially. The more power we have, the brighter our outlines become. There is work to be done, but we are coming into sight.
So put on your brightest outfit and go out there and let everyone see who you really are!
This was such a gift to receive in my email this morning. It totally resonated with me.
Just yesterday, I had an epiphany, that as an older woman (which I am, but the term seems negative), my age is not a handicap or a failure to be a part of what’s going on around me…it is power! Then I pondered on the old adage "knowledge is power", and I decided from that moment forward, my mantra would be "my older age is my power!". I thought about leaving out the older part, but then decided that it drove home the point!
Thank you for this validating article!
Jessica Brandon
One day that I felt very invisible, was the day I retired. It was the end of 2020, COVID was raging in our area and so no my retirement was without the traditional sendoff party. It was a Tuesday afternoon, our bank lobby was closed to customers and the vice-President basically unlocked the door and said, "See ya." My best office friend helped me to the car with my one box of possessions, gave me a hug, and is still my best Buddy forever. It was such a non-event, it was funny. I would jokingly retell this scenario adding, "it’s okay, it’s just Bobbe." Which is how I felt the last few years there. I will say, the retirement recognition I was given on the company website reinstated my faith in people. I received dozens and dozens of congrats cards in the real mail and so many of the senders said I would be missed. One customer thanked me for not retiring before she got matters arranged from her husband’s unexpected death. She thanked for making the transactions not dreadful, but enjoyable! Best compliment ever. To stay visible and productive I self-published a book on Stess I had started years ago. Ironically, as I finished it I had zero stress, because I had retired! Unfortunately, my book signing event was cancelled due to COViD. But my next book is dropping, like tomorrow–or next week at the latest…and I can’t freaking wait! It’s about the place many of us 50+ find ourselves: dealing with the ups and downs as we navigate the health decline in parents, spouses, partners, siblings, and friends etc. It appears to be a very universal topic and I feel alive and acknowledged that I am able to give it the time to write and talk about it. Feeling very vulnerable, too, but putting one’s self out there will always do that! Always. Thanks for this space. Love your approach!
Bobbe White (67.5!)
Quincy IL
Preview:
After a quiet retirement exit during COViD, I kept writing and self-published. It’s, scary, exhilarating, and humbling, but I don’t feel as invisible when I make it public!
I’m surprised that any woman actually LIKES being whistled at…. really? Come on, Lustre… you’re better than this!
We were not suggesting anything of the sort. We were suggesting that is the least of our problems.
I’m recently retired from the engineering field. I spent my entire career working hard to not be invisible in my male-dominated profession. Perhaps that drive makes the fact that I now feel invisible, outside of those I am closest to, that much harder. I am lost in the isolation of a world where my opinion or perspective doesn’t seem to matter any more.
I so loved this article. Truer words have not been spoken. I am over 60 and still working in my career and I am trying to start a 50 over 50 summit within my professional affiliations for women like me still working in our profession. I was inspired by the Forbes summit in Abu Dhabi! This has further inspired me! So thanks!
Karen
There is so much involved in being an older woman now that I am 70 I see it so clearly like I didn’t even see when I was in my sixties I’m still the same woman inside despite my bad back aching knees and arthritic hands my face which has dramatically changed in my eyes and probably to the world. But I am finding myself dismissed not treated seriously and here’s the best word I’ve heard on this site. Invisible
As I’m planning for retirement, I’m looking forward to spending more time to go deep within, finding ways of coming home to myself. Working towards gaining more power over others in my later years is the last thing on my agenda. I spent most of my life making myself visible in the wider world and it’s exhausting and not very fulfilling. I recognize time is running out. I want to develop a quiet power from within.
"Older adults" has currency in the elder abuse field.
As a gramma of five teens and a semi retired CPA I find my 70s to be very fulfilling. It’s an honor to grow old and wise.