Boomers Are Doing It. Gray Divorce.

By Karen and Erica

Gray divorce. Divorce after 50. A trend that is growing among people our age.

The only age group for whom divorce is increasing is older adults aged 65 and beyond. They now face record high divorce rates.

Why is the trend accelerating, and what are the consequences of gray divorce?

As to why, one reason, we suspect (and we are experts of no applicable discipline) is that we are all living longer, women most of all. SInce we began Lustre, we have come to understand that our life expectancy extends much further than we realized. We have observed that our body parts sometimes wear out too soon–as if we were still living in the 1950s. Maybe the same is true for relationships. Marriage today was designed for a shorter duration, based on assumptions of shorter life spans, and likely based upon social constructs that have become archaic. We strongly believe that a relationship with a good foundation can change and be wonderful for decades, but we do think, like everything else, it takes intelligent work to redesign for the new world in which we find ourselves.

Another reason may be that we Boomers are ornery types who grew up with divorce and now see it as a viable tool for improving life.

[W]e offered suggestive evidence that gray divorce may be a distinct life course event for Baby Boomers whose divorce proneness has been evident since they were young adults. Our evidence aligns with recent scholarly prognostications about gray divorce patterns.

Indeed, we Boomers seem to be particularly enthusiastic users of divorce. 

Baby Boomers, born in 1946–1964, were young adults during the divorce revolution of the 1970s and 1980s. Their risk of divorce during that time span was higher than that experienced by prior and subsequent generations of young adults.

It is possible that the gray divorce phenomenon could be largely unique to the Baby Boomers. Their distinctive marital biographies, marked by exceptionally high levels of divorce and remarriage, presage elevated levels of gray divorce during the second half of life. Indeed, Baby Boomers composed the middle-aged group (50–64) in 2010 that exhibited the remarkably high rate of divorce dubbed “the gray divorce revolution”. (Citations omitted)). 

Perhaps reflecting the fact that Boomer women are more likely to be financially independent than perhaps women of earlier generations, women initiate many of these gray divorces. 

Women initiate divorce at age 50 and older – also known as gray divorce — in 66% of cases, according to research by AARP.

“We’re seeing more women choosing to get divorced later. In the majority of cases, women are driving the divorce decision,” said Susan Hirshman, director of wealth management for Schwab Wealth Advisory and the Schwab Center for Financial Research. 

“A lot of it has to do with independence and feeling financially secure. It’s not like the stereotype of other generations when the woman was financially dependent on the man and had no choice but to stay,” Hirshman said.

Perhaps as a corollary, women do not always seek another partner as often as do men.

Divorce is not without a price. Finances may become fragile for either party.

Some people see their standard of living drop significantly – and that, coupled with the fact that poverty rates in general tend to be higher for older adults, is concerning, she says. 

“They’re cutting their nest egg in half,” Brown says. “Our survey data allows us to follow people for a decade or more. We’re not seeing any evidence of significant recovery.”

Careful planning may help. But many women do not fare well financially after divorce, for reasons related to the historic imbalance between the sexes when it comes to work and investment. 

Altogether, women’s standard of living declined by 45% following a gray divorce, while the drop for men was less severe, at 21%[.]

Another consideration is the appeal, or lack of appeal, of living alone. If you have been with a partner for decades, both the separation and the aftermath may be traumatic. Maybe worth it if your relationship is no longer fulfilling, but a bit of a shock anyway. 

To spend more than half of your life romantically involved with one person requires deep commitment and a healthy dose of patience. To walk away from a decades-long partnership in midlife (and beyond) is another gauntlet altogether. Is it possible to redesign your life in your 50s? 60s? 70s? Will you ever find love again? What about the financial hit? Who keeps the house? Who gets custody of the mutual friends? Still, these emotional and practical quandaries aren’t stopping Americans from leaving their marriages.

People opting to live alone often enjoy many aspects of it, but may also be lonely.

“A lot of people really find it appealing to have autonomy – to not have daily squabbles over how the dishwasher gets loaded or where the toothbrush goes,” he says. “On the other hand…consistently research finds that even though a lot of people fare well living alone, people who live alone report higher levels of loneliness across the board, and it’s definitely more pronounced later in life.”

Given the well-documented and significant health consequences tied to loneliness and social isolation, researchers and advocates are trying to come up with solutions to help aging Americans living alone before it’s too late.

Somehow, it is difficult to imagine that trading in your partner for a robot is the answer.  But maybe…

“There’s a lot of innovation and startup money for robo-companionship – things like robotic dogs, the metaverse and artificial intelligence. This is really taking off in Japan,” Schafer says. “They’re kind of showing us what the future of aging may look like here.”

Obviously, gray divorce is complicated. We find ourselves surprised by its increased use. We will watch with interest to see the social impact of gray divorce over time.