By Erica and Karen

We have written about what to do when you retire. Here’s what to do when your husband retires (and yes, we are talking specifically about husbands.) The basic point: he will need your help to establish his independence from the job. Just as you did, or will. The difference is—you almost surely have more experience pivoting, and being independent.

1. Before he retires, start talking about how committed you are to your life—your friends, your job, your personal interests.

2. Before he retires, plan a trip with a woman friend. Schedule it for six months after the big day.

3. On the big day, celebrate his accomplishment. Just as is true for all of us, anyone who reaches retirement has achieved something amazing grand.

4. Support him during the immediate post-retirement play time. Whatever he wants to do, encourage him to do it. And do some of it with him.

5. See what happens next. Some gentlemen are perfectly happy puttering and golfing and hanging around with his buddies. If he is, yay!

6. Some gentlemen start to feel antsy. Just like us, they miss the office, they miss their colleagues, and they have no idea what to do next. Help him think through his options. Boards? Learning to fly? Writing a book?

7. Just like us, he will also likely feel a loss of identity—though maybe not a loss of basic personal worth. Talk with him about what it means to be between jobs, or maybe to have actually stopped working forever. Either way, he does need to come to terms with who he is now—for the first time without the structure of a job.

8. Go clothes shopping with him. Explain that just because he does not need to wear formal office clothes every day, he can’t just wear sweats all the time. He will feel better about everything if he looks good—even if he looks different.

9. Make sure he knows that his retirement does not mean you are now bound together 24/7. Many couples felt during COVID lockdown that they really had not bargained for quite that much intimacy. Take time for yourself, doing what you want to do.

10. Go on that trip with your girlfriend. When you come back, all will be well!

What’s your advice?