Identity. Eight Concrete Steps We Took To Renovate.
By Erica and Karen
From the time we started working as new lawyers, we began to identify ourselves strongly with our jobs. We loved our careers, we worked hard to get them, we worked harder to succeed at them, and we were sad to leave them.
After we had been separated from our careers for a while, we began to realize we had lost a key part our identities. (Yes, it took a while.) We didn’t get up to go to the office every day. We didn’t put on snappy suits every day. We didn’t have clients to serve. We didn’t have schedules to organize our days. We didn’t have deadlines to motivate us. We didn’t have paychecks. Without all of this, were we still us?
Instead, we could go to matinees, enjoy long lunches, create new wardrobes, and generally live the good life. And we did. Until we realized we needed more if we were going to be engaged with the world for thirty more years. And we began to reckon with the unexpected discomfort of identifying ourselves as former lawyers who were now doing nothing but having fun. That did not seem like us.
We discussed our quandary for a while, then we identified a few steps that would allow us to start to outline new identities—founded on the identities we had forged over the last several decades.
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We decided we needed to have a place to go where we could create a plan. That seemed to us to be properly classified as work. We rented a teensy WeWork office, and we went several days a week to talk, and to do research.
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We made a list, on a yellow legal pad, of the things we wanted to retain from the working world, and the things we were glad to jettison. In the first category, for example, was community. In the second, doing boring things. Like dead-end work.
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We got business cards that included our names, phone numbers and email addresses. Lustre was not born at first. We added Lustre when it did emerge.
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We stayed on the schedule the world was on—up early and out the door for at least a few hours a day, five days a week. No more 24/7 for us, but no lying around eating bonbons every day, all day, either.
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We talked to everyone who would talk to us about how they felt about retirement, so that we could get a picture of how others approached it. The upshot—we realized we needed to create a new model of retirement—and age—for ourselves. (We also realized lots of people looked forward to and loved retirement. But most became uneasy, especially after a few years.)
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We said yes to everything. We quickly learned that being in the mix was the only way to stay in the mix.
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We figured out we needed a more creative response to the inevitable question: What do you do? We didn’t start with: We were lawyers. We said: We are thinking about what to do next, after celebrating the successful culmination of a beloved career. We’re figuring out how to redefine retirement for modern women so that we all have exciting options.
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When we met at the office we would dress in a more businesslike way—not like we used to dress, but sufficiently formally to communicate that we were engaged in something purposeful. Dressing up made us feel more like our old selves, but with a new twist—we were on our way to something different. Dressing up also caused others to take us more seriously.
After a while, we began to feel like ourselves again. Women with purpose and value. We realized we had to convince a lot of other people of the merits of redefining retirement, especially for women like us. Just as when we started working, once again we had no role models. So we had to create the role and be the models. That became our purpose. As retired lawyers working to transform retirement, we had a new identity, based closely on the one we had before we retired.
You probably will not do exactly what we did, but if you start to take some concrete steps toward something that inspires you, you too will see your identity come back into focus. And you will be starting a new journey into a changed world. It is a little scary, and takes work. Luckily, you are good at challenges.
Tell us how you feel about losing, and finding, identity.
I love my flexibility now but yes, miss my clients, events that I have organized, meeting with many fascinating market analysts but decided to stay connected and continued memberships to many professional organizations and this made a difference.
I returned to the work world at age 50.
Loved my job and the team.
Retired at 71.
Then, covid hit, our lives dramatically changed.
I pursued purposeful activities, tutoring (by zoom) emerging readers, volunteering at a local nonprofit, etc.
Tennis was my main activity, outside, exercise, & socializing (6 ft apart).
Later, Covid restrictions lifted.
Major traveling and shorter local trips too.
Today, at 77 yrs, in my 6th year after retiring, I am content with my choices and encourage others to retire asap.
However, I also recognize the reality that financially, many cannot retire and do not have the means for the retirement of their dreams. Health, inflation, lack of support, etc are challenges for many.
I am grateful.
I retired last September after a long loved career in a corporate environment. I don’t miss the chaos and politics as a prior Director in a compliance role. I feel fortunate my husband I are able to be snowbirds, splitting our time between warm sunny homes. We were able to purchase a home in an active 55+ community and there is never a dull moment unless I want one. I realize not everyone has this choice but leaning into the last 5 years of my career enabled this choice to become a reality. It was frankly a tough several years in a primarily male dominated environment. However, now I choose to golf, pickleball, walk, bocce, reading groups, gardening groups, and learn new fun things that interest me. Friendships are amazing – no one asks what I used to do, its now what interests do I have and would I want to join a group. Sometimes I feel overscheduled, so I slow it down for a bit and relax. My advice – choose wisely and see what interests you have. Don’t underestimate the power of women. As we age, we become more supportive and fun!
I’m still on the outside, looking into this next phase of retirement. Retirement, hate the negative images that word inspires…I love the idea of recreating my best self as I create the next phase of my life. I am 64 and have slowly downsized my work week to three days a week & about 18 hours with clients (I am a counselor and coach). I plan to work until 70ish, loving the work I do with client; however, I want to ramp up on the second act of my life – retirement. Love the inspiration of this group!
I left the corporate world 3 years ago. I am now running my own coaching business but on my schedule.
I have had quite the journey and said in the new member survey I am glad to share it.
But for this post, yes it was a slow process to get comfortable and frankly I am still working on elements of it. I believe joining Lustre may be the start of just what I needed on my continued journey
A friend of mine who retired about 10 years before me uses the term "prefer-ment" rather than "retirement–getting to do for the most part what you prefer to do. I’ve adopted that to the point that it is part of password I use regularly. I really like the reframing. I’m new to this group and really looking forward to learning from everyone.
This is so powerful and helpful for me to read right now as I am slowly emerging from a prolonged identity crisis/depression that threw me for a loop. How fortunate you are that you had a partner in this journey. I long to connect with others in a similar place as me. I know they’re out there, I just need to find them!
So glad that I discovered Lustre as I am finishing up a 32 year career in advertising at the end of this year. I am 68 and have spent more than half of my life in an industry that was fun, exciting, scary and financially rewarding. We’ve planned for this financially, but emotionally I have days where I wake up in the morning a bit panicked and wonder “what next?!” I found an article on this site that was a playbook for what to do when you begin the next 30 years of your story. I printed it out and have it on my desk using it as a check list to reassure that I’m on track. So far so good! Looking forward to more wonderful insight from like minded women. Than you!
So glad to hear!