Post-Career Friends—Where Are They? Eight Avenues.

By Karen and Erica

When you’re in school, you live in an environment where friend options are all around you.

While you have a job, your live in an environment where lots of people share a general purpose, and relationships come easily.

When you have children, you live (at times) in their playgrounds and schools, where there are fertile opportunities for meeting people at the same stage of life.

But once you retire, it is suddenly challenging to find a friend. Retired people do not congregate somewhere entertaining so they can meet people—though maybe they should. And you really need a friend. Or two.

Retiring is a shock, a big change, that involves loss and disorientation. Weird things will happen, like people acting as if you, the most fascinating person just a short while ago, are no longer worth their time. Everyone you know is busy—even your family. You have plenty to do—maybe not really what you want to do, especially not for the next few decades—so filling time is not the. issue. Companionship is.

You are a little panicky. Is this what retirement is going to be like? You’ll be all alone for years and years? Yikes.

You need to talk to someone. What are your options?

Here are a few steps to consider:

• Try to be calm. You have been alone before. It never lasted forever. It won’t this time either. You are in a place that is unknown to you, but you’ve been in new circumstances before too, and you have learned how to adapt.

• It’s scary to have a lot of time to yourself. But it is also a luxury. Lean into it. Do something you would never have done while you worked. Take a wine class. Go on a Road Scholar trip to a new city and meet some interesting people. Join a book club and read ten books with the group. None of these things will necessarily make you a new friend, but they might, and you will have fun.

• Then start thinking about who you know, and call them, or email them, to see if they are up for lunch or a drink. Especially, of course, people near or in retirement. Find a cool locale for a meeting.

This is just a start, and it might not work. So here are some other avenues.

• SilverSneakers has thought about finding company after retirement. SilverSneakers is a health and fitness program designed for adults 65+ that’s included with many Medicare Advantage plans. Makes sense—Medicare knows know you will be healthier if you have friends. Check out their ideas. We like the notion of just striking up a conversation with a pleasant looking person you have never met before. Crazy—but effective. And we like this observation:

  • [R]emember you have a leg up, no matter how shy you might feel. “When people are older, they’re just better at making conversation… We’ve all lost that junior high awkwardness.”

• The internet can be very useful for friendship purposes. You know there are dating sites out there, even if you have never used them. Well, the same concept has been applied to sites for meeting friends other than romantic partners. We remember it was a brave new idea when Bumble introduced Bumble for friends—Bumble BFF. Brilliant. Cosmopolitan has a good list of other options.

• Most dating and friendship sites have no age restriction but you can tell who they target. The friendship site most obviously targeting people of our age is Amintro.

  • Whether it’s John from across town who also loves fishing and the outdoors, or perhaps Wendy who shares your love of theater and music and who also had a career in the film industry, our friendly online community is full of like-minded, fun and interesting people who are 50+ that are happy to grow and nurture new friendships.

• The purpose of Meetup is to connect people with others who like doing the same things:

  • Whatever your interest, from hiking and reading to networking and skill sharing, there are thousands of people who share it on Meetup. Events are happening every day—sign up to join the fun.

• Sites like Nextdoor aren’t friendship sites and have their own issues, but they do create platforms that people can use to arrange meetings, like this:

  • Hi Ladies looking for a downtown retirement group of like minded women; young thinking, fit friends for walks, talks, book clubs, flea markets , beginning Majong and all NY has to offer.

The need for friends after you have left the cozy confines of your job is obvious, but the same need arises in many other contexts as well. Even long after you have retired, and have established a new community, you may confront the loss of friends—they move, they become disabled, they go to heaven, their focus changes. That is hard, and includes a different set of issues. But the same tools are relevant to coping with those eventualities as well.

Let everyone know if you try any of these, and if they worked—or if you have found other good resources. And remember—you are not alone. You will find a friend. It just takes a little more work than before.

As you know, growing older is not for the faint of heart.