Being Visible. Does It Matter?

By Erica and Karen

We were flabbergasted when we retired and overnight became invisible. One day people could see us for who we were, the next day they could not see us at all. They saw only boring old ladies who fell and could not get up. Where had we gone?

We understood—intellectually—that leaving our jobs would sever us from our long-time contexts, and also that retirement was a proxy for age, and we would no longer be visible as we had been. But understanding it emotionally was a different thing.

So we eventually decided we had to write about this dislocating experience, and figure out how to change it. We started Lustre in part to increase the visibility of retired and older women—as they are. We feel strongly that we cannot achieve what we want, which is to have opportunities as valued members of the larger world, unless we are seen as the visible and vibrant people we are. Otherwise, we think, we will be relegated to rocking chairs for the next thirty years.

But women are not monolithic, and not everyone sees invisibility the way we do—or at all.

After we talked about our feelings regarding invisibility on one of our reels, the comments were lively. Quite a few women thought we were a bit nuts—or maybe that urban women live in a strange world.

Here’s what Laura had to say:

I don’t understand this invisible thing you are discussing. Is this an east coast, urban issue? Maybe it’s my farm, ranch, agriculture, backcountry, commercial fishing, horse and construction background and lifestyle. Mature women and men are the backbone of these industries. They are active and independent, are respected for their knowledge and expertise, speak up and are always visible. The funniest is the story about you being “not seen” when buying a car. No ladies I know, of any age, have that problem when buying an $80k truck, $100k trailer or new $500k tractor.

And Sue:

I’m not on a farm but I’ve never understood this either. Am I harassed by men on the street? No. But that’s not a problem, it’s a wonderful benefit of getting older. I find I can move more freely through the world and focus on what’s important to me. And if shopkeepers don’t treat me with the same level of respect that they treat their other customers I simply do what I’ve always done – go elsewhere without a backward glance or a thought as to why they chose to lose a customer.

And Marianne:

Where I live (suburbs) I am invisible because I don’t have children/grandchildren. At first, it bothered me. Now – I feel like it’s a superpower. I just tell myself, “I’m invisible… so I can do whatever I want…where whatever I want.” So much pressure gone!

These comments echoed those of Frances McDormand:

Frances McDormand, an actress we have always admired, was the subject of a recent New York Times essay. In it, she affirms her delight in being invisible. 

“[W]hat you gain after menopause is the power of invisibility. You become sexually invisible to both me and women. You gain the power of not giving a [expletive.]”

“[I] have reveled in my invisibility for 10 years.”

We don’t disagree that it is a superpower to not to care what people think about you. But that is not really what we are concerned about when it comes to visibility. The way we think invisibility harms all of us is that invisibility allows others to dismiss an older person out of hand—to conclude on sight that she is surely boring or peripheral or has lost the ability to think—just because she is older.

And though we would be happy to know that women outside of urban areas do not have any visibility issues, that may not be the case for every woman.

We’re not trying to impress anyone. We’re too old for that. We wear what we do because we like it. We do what we do because we want to do it. We delight in the freedom of post-career life. But we reject the notion that because we are older and retired, we can be treated as irrelevant or done. We are independent and vibrant, with brains that still work, and experience we can only get from living. And we think retired and older women are valuable members of the rest of the wider world who should be seen as such.

So yes, we want to be visible.

What do you think?